Strangers

Alrite. I admit the first semester of my first year in uni - i learnt one Cruel thing:

98% of men are bastards.

I've been writing in my mother-lauguage on my other blog. A lot of shit has been happening thru this semester, but gues what? I came out better than 50% of the girls my age, take it or not.. so im glad. and grateful. and fine.

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[Below is word for word translated from my other blog:]

I need to apologize to so many ppl
I've been unstable these days
And really had to bother a lot of ppl
But....

But the one i really want to apologize to
Is still you..
Really it was my fault since the beginning
I was being so shit to you
and gave u al that extra trouble
Im really sorry to you and your gf
It was me who couldn't control myself
Couldn't be who i shud be
Although im so angry and ok and confident on the outside
Behind the curtains.. i was guilty and regretful
Im not a daughter whom her parents dont ahve to worry bout
Im not someone who my friends could learn from
I'm not a good enuf gf
All that ive done for you
I've realized..that they were a waste
Because i simply can't change ur mind anymore
I can only say thank u for making me learn all this stuff
So that the same thing wont happen on me again
i also hope that u and her will be happy
like C & D, i shud tell u guys
That i wish u to be happy together all the time
And never break up
and i hope that u can forgive me for all that ive done
I've Grown  And it is because of you
I'm so sorry....

Saw this story yesterday called the Voice of the Distant Star - a new anime, im not sure how popular it is at the moment but basically -

It's about the year 2046, where humans have learnt to interact with other planets (ie. Mars) and there were these two college kids who were in love with each other but the girl has to go on a meeting mission thing, so they have to be separated. And the only way they can communicate is by sending txt messages (yea thru cellphones.) But their distance from earth gets longer and longer and until one txt message need to take 1 year and more to send.

So they either have to wait for each others txt or...... goes the story.

Woke up at half past eight and had breakfast by half past nine.

Felt all lost.

Decided what to do for the day. Felt like a bloody bachelorette. Bum around my room nearly rammed my head into the four walls like a blind fly - because i couldn't figure out whether it was someone else who is too blind or me too blind.

Then washed clothes and laundry by eleven thirty.
Finally allowed music to repair my right hemisphere - and thus the left.

Waited for the bus for half an hour. I walked there.

To the Plaza.

Forth and back i walked down the mall many times, allowing myself to be dragged into every store. By the end of it all i got: a good but deflated single, 2 mags and dvds for $16, and a bottle of designer water for $3:

That's the damn bottle.

 Looks like glass but its plastic. I thought it'd be good for my room.

Losing face is bad. Especially wen thers no one to back u up, no one to help even tho they want to.

It's just all too ridiculous everyone saying different things infront of your face and then behind your back.

All the time wen i cud hav just stayed in bed and think more logically and horizontally, not vertically, heated, then cooled for another person, then heated again, like a bloody microwave that belongs to no one.

Al the time, yes, one young woman alone has been playing all roles, doing all the lighting, all the time not knowing who the audience is.... if ther is any.

So i advised him today, "Be who you really are. Don't be anything else because you'll get tired after a while."

From experience, yes, painfully, but now its over.

Everyone goes thru some sht stage lik that.

From the heat of the moment talking to a lot of people at once, more or less we lose our own grounds. Everyone's horizons are different. Similar but different when u go home and go to bed. Talking is a very rapid stream of consciousness going thru the head. Self is needed.

Would you ever be with someone who you can't be yourself around with? Purposefully?

I've been having heavy bias of racism recently and it even does not feel like myself.

(forget bout grammar. Please.)

I'm not sure whether the origin of this hatred is from explicit/implicit memory (i think both atm) or even if they are from experience. Im quite sure it is from all of them, followed by one another.

I hate racism myself. But a Taiwanese hating the Chinanese - wat do u call that? Bias, i think.

I think, i think, i think.... i hate that sometimes.

 But

There must have been reasons. From the home, the society and the world i live in. I dont usually "remember" that i hate the chinese until i see one of them. But i know i can't stereotype. I have chinese friends, for god's sake.

But yet to the strangers.... i just dont trust Chinese ones. Im sorry.

Maybe i shud hav predicted....

Everything between me and her have changed now. Different kind of friends now. Nothing will be like before no matter how hard i try to make it.

I do regret now. I hardly ever.

I can screw things up so easily without even noticing i am sometimes. Its often too late wen i find out.

I think i shud have predicted that i'd be feeling hurt
I think i shud have predicted she wud say wat she did
I think i shud have predicted the outcome before it even happened

But now its too late, and it's really too late wen im bitch'n bout it here.

There are some things in this world that are better left unknown.

But when truth is one of the rare things that worth speaking of,
when truth NEED to be spoken,
when truth should be the only thing we speak

It is hard to lie, to hide, to conceal.

For sanity's sake, it could be better to NOT speak of some things. So that people won't get hurt, and so history could be altered - for the better. I dunno whether i should buy that. I dunno if ther's an absolute answer.

Hey,

Dunno if you'll get this email but if u do, I've read Star Dust and its in the attachment file. I added comments in there.

Read that first....

And there are so much more i want to say to you but im not sure if im allowed to say any of them.... Ok i guess i'll just type them up in the email here. Cos i dont think there's any other way i can say these to you, definitely not face to face.

Ok.. i wont go on for too long. I'll just tell you the brief description.

When you weren't in NZ i thought about you a lot.

I don't know whether ur stil straight or bi or les and i don't care but, especially when you came back i missed u quite a lot. As a friend. I'm different now, i can't deny, but im wondering if your still the same or different too. Most (curious) of all i dunno what you think of me and i really want to know, I'm just curious. I guess you also have a lot of other friends that welcomed u wen u came back.... friends i never had the previledge to know.

Now i end up here in uni making very different friends from wat i suppose u can imagine, and to be honest i feel quite bad because i dunno how i ended up this way, quite slutty to be honest cos i can't think of another word that would describe myself more honestly.

I'm sorry for all these random jit.

I guess i missed u a lot that's all.

Take care. See u on msn next time or i hope i can catch up with u some time.

-aporia. 

Thers somebody that wont let me eat.

Ski is about a week away. I'll be bringing my Panny video camera.. to film everything. And possibly after Edit il put it online for u guys to see, and to complete my other promise to this guy whose hardly online :p