Strangers

Someone would have to sacrafice in this.
If she's the angel then what am I?
The Eve that failed.
The Eve that got lured and failed.

The devil believes the angel will bring him happiness
But how can the devil ever be good?
How can the devil belong to the good?
I don't know what Eve is
She just failed
That's it.
Angel don't like Eve
Eve still adores the angel

I wonder what the Devil will do in all this

But one thing no one can change is
Someone would have to sacrifice.
And in reality, it's Eve.

Oh my god.

I just don't get how the good can exist with the bad.
How can the devil and angel like each other?
It's not Opposite, it's contradicting.
If the angel is good why does she like the bad?
If the devil is bad why does he like the good?

Eve failed already so she could naturally belong with the Devil
but it's only in the story and the myth.
Something is truly intriguing
but
There's nothing i can do now.

The Devil's got my back.
That's all I need now.
That'a all I need to know.

Learning to be dependent from those special people I meet in life.

Can't rely on them all the time.
I need a break, too.
So do they.

I don't want to be their burden.

I need to go home once in a while.
The place I was made - St Cass or wherever.
(The Home, not the family)

I'm trying and coping and adapting and suffering and struggling and learning.

It's gettin' painful.

Have or Not have.

With both we are the same, but with either we are different.

I'm scared.

Scared of losing things. Losing people. Losing control. Losing myself.

Losing all that I know. Losing all that I will never know.

Losing everything.

What's the last thing? I used to know but now I don't.

Tell me.

Havent kept track of the previous ones but now it's all very clear.

Version 11 was too unstable
Version 12 is awesome but could be active.

Ria Ver 9.3 - Uni adaptor
Ria Ver 9.4 - Trio of Uni, F&R, Family
Ria Ver 9.5 - /Unconscious/
Ria Ver 9.5.2 - Heart of a Dinosaur
Ria Ver 10 - Replicate: Psychological Experimentor
Ria Ver 10.1 - (Female) Statue of Freedom
Ria Ver 11 - Fate In Reality #2 - The Brother
Ria Ver 12 -  (Not Telling)

It is being double-faced that scares me, that makes me tird.
That made me choose. One or the other. You can't have both.

Some people are consistent in every situation - and their public and private side are almost identical.

But others
aren't.

I'm not.

I know I'm not. I was trying to change it to the More Consistent.
But then now it only gets further and further away, the two sides. I can't be the same in public and private. I would, but I can't.

Not even to mention loneliness, we don't get to talk bout that.

We. Have. To. Meet. People. The. Hard. Way.

Shes hating herself again. She feels like she doesn't belong here, but then again, she doesn't belong anywhere really.

She wants to speak the truth. She wonders why she can't stand crowds anymore. She used to be so popular around people. Now she hates herself, and hates herself even more for draggin' innocent people into this. She wants an anchor. Anchor is touching the ground at the moment.

Maybe shes the one who shud be slapped and then wake up.

She doesn't want to drag him into this. Or anyone, for that matter.

The blood high with alcohol is running thru her veins and she can feel it, in her blood, injected, infected, unable to rid of. She wonders what will happen with the party next. She wonders what she is learning, she wonders what she has learnt. She wonders what benefit are ths ppl to her, she wonders what harm she will do to them. She wonders what harm she will do to herself. She wonders what harm she will do to him. She wonders what harm she will do to her.

More drunk? Sober up? Die? Sleep? Crash?

Time flows so slow now when you've got all the time in the world.

 She
wants
to
feel
safe.

Now shes insecure amongst crowds. Yeah, she can be herself, but no, she can't be herself, she's gotta be that public self, either in control or

Nervous as sht.

I have no idea why. Even if i do im subconsciously pushing it backwards so i can deal now and think bout it later.

Mass of crowds, im not interested. I want to go away. Im more anti-social than i think now. I don't want to show off in a mass anymore. I want intimacy.

****

It was as if there was someone else in the house and she needed that excuse to get away from the mass. She found herself needing privacy so much more than she knew. Shes trying to hide away but its not working. It wont work. Either hide away with the ecstasy or hide away from the crowd. From those inevitable strangers she couldn't defend.

She felt guilty. She felt sorry. She felt drunk. She felt like herself again.
The same thing happens everytime, and nothing changes. Its like this every

The smell of bangers and mash tells me to boogie for the future invisible career instead of more fluid form of intelligence interacting with peers. Gay men write the best novels, now that i know, i no longer have to dive into the mass of crap literature written by amateur crime writers who try to be. I admit straight authors write awesumly as well - Thomas Harris for a start.

Now im free as being on a cloud.. Cloud. I've been into him once, but only briefly and that was four years ago.

Wat the hel.

An average of B.

Alright. But I need to do better.

No settle for mediocre. Cliche, yes, but do i care?

Semester 2 is about to come, and somehow it already feels as chilling as autumn.
I normally would never expect anything. Anything to happen, to take place, to appear, or to disappear.
But this time I am shocked by how much my inner self is yearning for - like a selfish child. Like I have no superego.

My life is heavily biased at the mo.
I've totally trashed the workloads - they linger in front of my eyes, but not on top of my head. Invisible idiot, yes.

How idiotic can a grown-up be? Unlimited, I tell you, and one day you'd be surprized by how out of control you actually are.. rather than you think. I am in control of a lot of things - more than i want, tbfh. Responsibility IS control in a way.
But one cruel thing i've come to face so far into this year is that I have to make a choice as to who i want to become and more importantly, The Consequences. I'm not responsible for anyone else but myself at the moment.

I know i have a good track-keeping as to what i've lived so far, what i'm doing so far and what i should be doing in the (at least, near) future. I have a lot of control over my life. But who am i really dealing with? Myself, my bloody, emotional, childish, selfish, troublesome self. Everyone's got one, yes.

I'm learning to deal with my own.

(How ridiculous it is you learn to deal with others first, and end up dealing with yourself.)