Strangers

Only by death

that there is the slightest possibility of having you to look at me one last time.

Only by death

Only by death

To break two hearts

To make it complete

To pick up the rubbish that has been floating on the night street

Only by death

To clean up the accidental mess i made

Too carelessly

You are no longer my anyone

Because to prove to her that you do love her,

the best thing to do is never to see me again.

That is true.

But only by death...... 

When i sit alone at night by myself, thinking calmly, with music barely audible in the background

I think of you

I find it impossible not to think of you

my Brother

Gone like smoke....

Are you happy?

I just want to know, regardless of everything

If you're happy now

Deliberately avoiding me

Of course there are times when i feel like crying

But no tears would even come out

Too much fear of annoyance has numbed me

But its impossible not to think of you

Sometimes when its very very quiet here....

No explanations

Im still stuck in a spiderweb

Full of silly questions like why is my Brother gone?

Why has he left and not coming back?

Yes, my childish wonders for a brother....

Long gone......

Inevitably, Henry, I tell you

It hurts.

These words you will never see, never hear, never know the existence of

They glow faintly in the dark

Almost extinguished, slowly breathing

Maybe one day i will still destroy myself

For not being good enough

Not grown-up enough, not understanding enough, not mature enough, not honest enough,

Not decent enough to you in overall

Perhaps you are the Someone I took for granted

The Brother that I desired for so long

Gone, because of my doings....

I never came to terms with myself.... 

In the end, i have no one to blame but myself.

This negativism, this empty sadness, this deserving pain....

I remember when you stopped me from crossing the road even when you didn't believe me...... 

Man today is liek one of the gayiest days ever. 

A potential of gettin a C-grade essay due in 9mins. I dunno if i could run across tht street to the HSB building fast enuf to hand it in.

Uni computer crashed twice. Wouldn't let me open the file, or print, or transfer my printing money.

So i had to use someone else's login.

And then download my file through that account. It was so gay coz i can't believe that knowing someone else's account can actually come in handy for dueing assignments.

And then 5min before i was rushing mad the Starbucks people called saying i can get a job there and do i want to? The reception was real bad.... i was like fuck this yea i want tht job.... but you call me the wrong place at the wrong time woman!!

Even more gayly another person called up to tell me yes you can work as a call center rep like you did before and asked a whole bunch of enthusiasm-related questions before deciding to MAYBE hire me.. ==  i had get tht call on the car with shaun and chris and this other random guy in it, coz we were heading to Middlemore hospital for chris's grandad who had problems, and my cellphone went dead and gave her the wrong landline number etc etc etc WHAT A COW....

BUT two job opportunities in a day.. money is coming....

Chris wanna borrow $200 for his new laptop. Sure ^^

I got blocked on msn...... 

Sometimes i still think of you.

I can't help it.

Everything ends so abruptly. I try to understand and catch it, after all, i have too much to realize and grow from.... but i guess this is what you call growing pain.

Everytime i hear a song, it brings back all the memories - like the movies - in colourful flashbacks

I don't hide anything except my feelings.

An accident too artificial, A story too realistic, A mistake too complicated to untangle

Jade told me, it's not anyone's fault, because WE ARE ALL HUMANS AFTER ALL -

Yeah

Humans are dumb. 

Everything seems so calm and fine now....

Im pretty sure Chris is the one.. because it's all dejavu.. and....

too many factors

When most people search over years to find the ideal, because they never were sure in the beginning what they really wanted - it's such a waste of time....

I was talking to his mum and things seem pretty ok now la.

Phew.

Btw, there is no such thing as destiny because it always happens before you know it :) 

Freak!!!!

All about fluid intelligence

All about academic work

All about emotions

All about success

All about money and class

All about life......

Born to live the life, Die to live the life. 

My eyes are blurrd. 

Friday is a rather interesting day. 

In the morning i quit the idea of going to uni because we saved $7 and i need time to give a rushing birth to my essay rather than going to lectures and hear something i don't have to learn with my ears. They put the lecture on ceil.

So a new found joy in producing essays.

Made some surprizing progress which make the whole job seems less difficult at all. Talked to G who told me prices in USA arents any cheaper at the mo. Sht. I gotta buy a lot coz i'd be back to nz in time for Xmas :p

Yes, a whole day at home.... i dont think the home-mum is very happy :p it sounds like i wagged school. For my assignment! Don't hit me or i'll cry...... (and no one wants to see that, right?) I just hope i aint giving a bad impression :s

Chris's gone out for over an hour and still aint home. 

Found my freaking journal today, thought i lost it in the Large Chem lecture room

actually that wouldn't be funny at all because it's personal privacy invasions that are mindless.

Went to Sylvia Park today, more consumption, more Marxist idea channeling into my head whenever i see people sell things. Meh.

Saw dino again today walking 4 hours to uni and then found out all his classes were cancelled, esp. the porno one from women's studies lol. Shame. So he spraned his ankle lol. Okay who cares, except the apple pie. People should share their lunches :p it reduces poverty and starvation.

By the way, smoking really causes poverty. I saw eugene (this russian guy) this morning and he didn't seem to believe me. You know why? Coz the more you smoke, those farmers who need money will plant tabacco instead of grains and rice and those shit that actually FEED people. This is a real statement from Laszlo, head of the Budapest Club, futurist.

I don't smoke. 

My loving brother is still lovin i believe. Im sorry.

 x x x x x x

Instead of studying for 4 hours i ate for 2 hours and slept for 20min. The rest sort of disappeared.

Citizen Kane is a scary movie. A good movie. Orsen Welles is a child prodigy, no shit.

Amalie is funny. But the extra features had smin like the directors and producers watching a woman c**. And they were like "Ohhh man......"  

Everything seems to be better at one level higher.

I met Dino today, poor dino, still has to walk 4 hours on feet to uni. Stil broke.

Then Chris very kindly spared some of his lab time today to just sit next to me. That was very kind. I went to lunch at BK with dino and then played pool online, wondering where H has gone all these days. Just haven't heard from him a long time. And i don't really dare to call him up either.

So life's just been like this. I ain't that stressed about the essays anymore. All i need to do now is put in the work, coz most of the directions have been caught. It's still kind of intimidating thinking i won't ever get a A+ again until very long later.

Family is okay. For once.

I've been telling my loved ones that I really wish i could be better at something rather than those "useless shit." Really, because i can't see the point of being good at......