Strangers

Comfort zone. He desperately tries to stay in there every second, to stay in there.

She, too far away from it for too long. For seven hundred years.

She found him.

She would crawl on her knees to be back in the bubble.

However long it may take

I will always be here for you,

No matter what happens

I promise,

I will smile. 

Goin to California in 3 days.

Shud really start packing.

Leaving bf and cellphone behind in NZ. i feel weird.

Moved out of chris house last night.

He thought he forgot the vouchers half way on the motorway between the west and the east, and drove back half way before finding that they were actually in his pockets. i thort i'd ask him again.

Still playing gaia. Bloody nokia charger is dead. And my phone is dead.

Bye for now. 

You're not here.. and i sit alone listening to the songs....

For the first time, i think of you, realizing it has been me who was too arrogant, too stubborn.... it's a spiral. If i stay more positive none of these would happen. I caused not only the burden of one but two.

I apologize.

I hope you return home. 

You know, ordering songs like this, it's like trying to fit the whole life of this year into one cd disk.

It sounds ridiculous, but its jus unbelievable how music works on us.

I can't help but think about it....

You said, this year has just been like a tv story. I can't deny. It's magic, even if it's cursed. 

I hated myself, regretting forever that i didn't go to the tansa bbq that March. If i had, i would have met you.

But then, when we were together, it's as if we wished it would be all the better if we had never met. Yea, like some "fate" are cursed.

It doesn't matter now. All has happened. That's how im able to be writing now.

There are a few songs in this cd.... that i felt fits the story like as if they were written for them.

Coral Sea.. Only Want to Hold You.. Heaven.. & Long Long Ago.... 

Perhaps im over-reacting. Like i always do. But perhaps, you are the only one that can ever understand the mission of my life is to.. finish that novel.. maybe make that film.. and my life is completed. I don't remember if you had agreed at all, but it don't matter because i've said it to you, and you are what matters to me the most. 

Slap me.. Hit me.. Kick me out.. Break me.. i will say this with no shame....
"You are what matters to me the most."

In the past, now and forever. 

****

Two posts a day, meaning there is more than importance. It's memorable.

Making that cd was hard.. i've been sitting here for over 2 hours, trying to get the "F.U." i dunno what that stands for, but it means some kind of intuitive feeling that guides you. All artists need it, let alone novelists. No, im not one yet. But i will be, i hope *smile* When i write the new chapter, perhaps i need to twist the ending a bit, because of you and chris. Please don't ask which is the dominant. There is none. But there is hierachy. I didn't lie to you in that email.

We grow, we all grow.... like trees.... like rivers.... whatever.

I'm happy now. I think you need to know that. I'm very happy (Especially after that saturday) Shh. No one needs to know. This is the biggest leap i've made since my teenage life. During college i learnt about the meaning of life. During univ (jus first year..) i learnt about love. Brotherly love, Romantic love and Family love. Love is present in too many forms.

Love can be like a tornado.... sigh, yet another song title.

Exams are over now. Are you looking forward to second year? Maybe a little afraid, maybe a little hopeful? That's how i feel anyway. Don't quite know what to expect, or how to act.  Just do my best, that's all i tell myself. Don't try to control the storyline of life. Life is a story. Stories are life-like. That's why we have emotions.

Ok, enuf bullshitting.. good shit, bad shit.... *sticks tongue out*

*Little Smile* 

I don't know when's the next time im gonna see you, but as you said, leave it to god to decide. Even if i see you after half a year i reckon that's enough to me. Seeing you once in a while is more than enough. Because you live in my mind.

Even if i can't reach to you for help at the most painful times, i can gradually endure through it because i know you care. I won't do the silly options again. My Brothr is in my heart....

I said, i don't wanna be greedy anymore.
I'm very scared, i dont wanna lose my Brother again....

The kindness was almost as exactly as in the dream i had the other night.

Dreams do become true; my birthday wish at the beginning of the year came true as well, didn't it?

Funny as soon as exams finish....

Sometimes im really happy. Even tho all this difficult shitty situations keep happening, all along i've also met some really important and life-changing people.

But at other times if i really put everything onto the screen or paper, it's quite hard to believe it's real life.

Like you said, it's just like a soap opera.... but i've never forgotten the fact that you told me to stay positive.

THat's the biggest thing i've learnt.

Most importantly....
I finally know it's not as bad as i thought.

I didn't lost my brother.... i didn't. Oh my god.  

I had a choice between bursting into tears or throw up. I chose neither. I smiled. 

It's lucky how everyone has something to look forward to.

The sun was setting and its rays dyed the streets red. The rush hour traffic moved slowly towards home, whever it was. She  jogged towards the new building around the university's corner, her bookbag swinging by her side as she ran. A smile that almost broke was still hidden on her face. She ran, and braked suddenly at the sight of him. He was standing there, looking in the other direction. She called out his name. His head turned, but expressions hardened. He seemed as if he wanted to walk away but couldn't. He was waiting for someone for sure. As she called his name and approached him, he became more and more uneasy. His sharp stare did not seem to affect the girl's mood at all.

"Look! Full marks...." she showed the half crumbled paper in her hand to the boy. He glanced at the paper then at her. "It's none of my business." The smile on her face did not disappear. "Brother! Look.... im so happy.." She panted as she talked to him, as he remained emotionless and his head has already turned the other way. "You can go now." he announced. "Brother...." she tried to catch her breath as she calmed down. Her eyes never left the sight of his face, even though he never directly looked at her since a month ago. She still smiled, "I'm so happy.. I feel happy...."

"Leave me alone."

"Ni san...."

The traffic light in the distance turned red as the cars on the horizontal street charged forward. "Ni-san...." her voice has not faded, but was beginning to lower. Her joy was half gone, but still reminisent. He has stopped responding at all. She stood closer to him and whispered his name. In a rage, he turned and whipped his hand across her face. She lost balance and fell backwards a little, but approached carefully again, the smile still visible. "Ni-san...." The words only brought his second slap, threatening as he backed from her. His eyes were full of fury and danger. She was like a child, smiling as if nothing has happened. But tears of pain were starting to gather around her eyes.

"Ni-san!" "I'm not your brother anymore!" he yelled, and gave a full blow across her cheek. She dropped the paper and placed her hands on her cheek at instinct. Passerbys slowed down to look, but quickly hurried away at the sight of the boy's madness. The girl picked herself up, slowly and unnaturally, but when she saw his face and eyes again, her smile resumed. "It's ok...." she said as she smiled tearfully. "I just.... I just wanted to share with.. with you.... the joy i feel.. that i feel.... I.... sorry.." she gave a small polite nod to him. The boy was breathing fast and heavily, as he felt the blood rushing to his head. The very person he would last want to see on earth appeared in front of him again like a shadow that will never go away. He searched for the peripheral of her face; he could not bear to look her in the eye.

She picked up the paper and smiled at him, wiping the tears away with one hand. "Just wanted to see you...."

"Well i don't."

She smiled and, without a word, she walked towards the empty street where the traffic was gone, greenlight meant nothing, and she reached the middle, a silver sportscar raced from the right hand side and smashed her into pieces. The car's brake screamed across the street and pieces of paper fell onto the ground from the air.

The boy looked from across the road. His face remained unchanged.

A small flame inside his heart finally diminished, now and forever.