Strangers

to be considerate
but to what extent do you want me to do that?
to what extent would you be happy?
to what extent would you not be pissed off?
still it's your house
maybe the product of a problem is just more problem to the original product anyway
if you're disabled, would you give birth to risk a disabled child?
would you ask them to live in the same environment?
but since you didn't expect that i wouldn't argue with you on that shit
i dont know what mum was thinking
but thanks to you two for giiving it a try
i guess that's what i have to do as well
give people chances to try
try to be considerate and understanding
who cares if you are the one asking for it
i don't really give a shit now
long as there is no OBJECT to fuck up my mentality again
calling me abnormal
ha who has the place to call me that in the first place?

if you win ever
it's only because people pity you and your blindspot
you can't see where you're wrong
you can't see your difference from others
to live a more simple and fucking optimistic life
yea you are the one ruining the cacoon
so the butterfly died

the only reason im trying again
is because you did try to be good to me for the past two years
regardless of success of failure
and the rest of the reasons - background, culture, factors out of our control
i will not argue
since it is fate that bring us all together
we just do our best to fight back fate
isn't it?

leaving mum and joe
does not mean i feel no pain
if they die there'll be a lot i regret
that's how i know i do love them
and the same goes for you
but for one's individual survival
sometimes there is no arguement to fight back
live in your own collectivist background you get pissed
well like i give a shit
don't tell me you didn't know individualist country would make a difference
is it my fault i grow up more inidividualisitic?
is it my fucking fault?
or is it my fucking fault i didn't become more collectivist at home
is it my fault for not wanting to lead a double life?

is it my fault to feel so fucking different everytime i step back home?
that i don't understand why it is always so negative inside
but positive out there in the world?

end as the end
i will try
and give three chances for shit to happen again
one for joe's effort to be understanding
one for mum's unconditional love
and one for your endless need to try.

-Ria, for those who love

Today im studying at chris's house.

We went to pool on saturday nite after the Little Man movie with eugene joe matthew and stuff.

Last nite after lab report in the afternnon, we watched Kids are not Dumb at IC-L0 with Chris's sister Jessica and then went to korean dinner with Greg and Sean. Later we found Greg in albert park.

All i know is im living a different life now.

It was going to happen sooner or later. I don't quite understand why Chris is doing all this for me, because i don't want to take it for granted, i know henry loves me and i won't deny i love him, what kind of love i can tell you brother-sister love --

Have to go again. This will continue.

Life is beautiful but it cannot be taken for granted.

There are rules to obey, there are rules to break.

And all the same while there are feelings to be noted.

At 18 i finally moved out.

The hard way.

But i was choiceless so you can stop blaming me.

They don't understand.

Frankly they never will. It is something to be accepted not to get pissed about.

Talked to parents for hours and ended up knowing nothing will change. At least it's not that i haven't tried. Screw the Generation-Gap, its truly one of the worst unavoidable things that comes in the Life package. I confronted. Negotiated.
Been Ria.
Been the Monster.
Been the Good Kid.
Been the Baddy in society.

Now.

I Float. Happily.... some will envy me. And yet i envy others.

I know nothing for certain anymore. I used to, but not anymore. Doesn't realy concern me tho, it jus means that i have to find some more people to re-locate my position in this world. The Novel world can wait. But not this one i'm born into.

****

Spent the weekend studying with a friend. Geeky yea, but wen exams cums it'll be even more gay.

i have no idea why i study even though i don't care already.

Rubbish..

"How do i live?

Ther shud be no schedule.

With music flowing around, i can only see the beautiful rhythms made by everything living and not living,

I see in most people's faces

They're still good

Real evil is scarce to find...."

I'm sorry i failed my guardians
I did not become what they wish me to become
I did not grow up under their predicted schedule
Under the schedule they spent so much time planning

and smiling at....

I grew up differently
Perhaps strangely
I see different things
I see Beauty
I see the trees
When you see the car coming
I stand there
Feeling the air breezing
Feeling the wind carry the wings of the birds
As they soar across the sky

--

Our ancestors blood
Flow in our veins
What did i promise?

I promised no one nothing
But to live what it means to be a Human Being
To live whilst like all other animals
Also to treasure the ability of Thought
Of Feelings

And to know
and Only to know
How the society has promised the millions of rules which they were built upon
And the millions of responsibilities, morals, conventions
Like the milliions of stars in the night in Universe....

"In the arms of the Angel...."

******

I like talking to Andreas.
My new finding.

It wasn't cancer. It was smin nearly as bad as that, like a flammation. But at least it was smin else.

x x x x x x

I fixed my computer. It was stupid.

x x x x x x

The essay i was stuck on Dramatic Conventions, because these two words stirred my up like crazy and stupid, i cudn't get what it meant until this afternoon when i finally used google:define and now, if i still get it wrong i dont care because no one could explain it clearly in UNISON.

Alrite.

Glad to hear my Hannibal soundtrack is good helping sum ppl out.

Dunno y G ain't here. It was the only other reason im here updating, anyway, he's a smart ass, getting 93% for a stats test. 93 is nothing in high school, but after that, anything above a B is wonderful.

i dunno why im typing this up but, my mums got cancer. You guessed it.

And i've been haunted & haunted & haunted & actually cried more than once during the camp. Of course when no one's seeing. Funny how people like these would hate PITY on the issue the most.

I've put myself in every possible situation that cud happen if it does. If my mum's gone. How i wud deal with the pain. How i wud deal with the memories - and remember, It's always the happy memories of yesterday that make you feel pain today. and How i wud deal with Everything. I've been thru that.

For Mercy has a human heart,
Pity a human face,
And Love, the human form divine,
And Peace, the human dress.

Cruelty has a Human Heart,
And Jealousy a Human Face;
Terror the Human Form Divine,
And Secrecy the Human Dress.

- William Blake