Strangers

You're not here.. and i sit alone listening to the songs....

For the first time, i think of you, realizing it has been me who was too arrogant, too stubborn.... it's a spiral. If i stay more positive none of these would happen. I caused not only the burden of one but two.

I apologize.

I hope you return home. 

I don't know when's the next time im gonna see you, but as you said, leave it to god to decide. Even if i see you after half a year i reckon that's enough to me. Seeing you once in a while is more than enough. Because you live in my mind.

Even if i can't reach to you for help at the most painful times, i can gradually endure through it because i know you care. I won't do the silly options again. My Brothr is in my heart....

I said, i don't wanna be greedy anymore.
I'm very scared, i dont wanna lose my Brother again....

The kindness was almost as exactly as in the dream i had the other night.

Dreams do become true; my birthday wish at the beginning of the year came true as well, didn't it?

Funny as soon as exams finish....

Sometimes im really happy. Even tho all this difficult shitty situations keep happening, all along i've also met some really important and life-changing people.

But at other times if i really put everything onto the screen or paper, it's quite hard to believe it's real life.

Like you said, it's just like a soap opera.... but i've never forgotten the fact that you told me to stay positive.

THat's the biggest thing i've learnt.

Most importantly....
I finally know it's not as bad as i thought.

I didn't lost my brother.... i didn't. Oh my god.  

I had a choice between bursting into tears or throw up. I chose neither. I smiled. 

It's lucky how everyone has something to look forward to.

The sun was setting and its rays dyed the streets red. The rush hour traffic moved slowly towards home, whever it was. She  jogged towards the new building around the university's corner, her bookbag swinging by her side as she ran. A smile that almost broke was still hidden on her face. She ran, and braked suddenly at the sight of him. He was standing there, looking in the other direction. She called out his name. His head turned, but expressions hardened. He seemed as if he wanted to walk away but couldn't. He was waiting for someone for sure. As she called his name and approached him, he became more and more uneasy. His sharp stare did not seem to affect the girl's mood at all.

"Look! Full marks...." she showed the half crumbled paper in her hand to the boy. He glanced at the paper then at her. "It's none of my business." The smile on her face did not disappear. "Brother! Look.... im so happy.." She panted as she talked to him, as he remained emotionless and his head has already turned the other way. "You can go now." he announced. "Brother...." she tried to catch her breath as she calmed down. Her eyes never left the sight of his face, even though he never directly looked at her since a month ago. She still smiled, "I'm so happy.. I feel happy...."

"Leave me alone."

"Ni san...."

The traffic light in the distance turned red as the cars on the horizontal street charged forward. "Ni-san...." her voice has not faded, but was beginning to lower. Her joy was half gone, but still reminisent. He has stopped responding at all. She stood closer to him and whispered his name. In a rage, he turned and whipped his hand across her face. She lost balance and fell backwards a little, but approached carefully again, the smile still visible. "Ni-san...." The words only brought his second slap, threatening as he backed from her. His eyes were full of fury and danger. She was like a child, smiling as if nothing has happened. But tears of pain were starting to gather around her eyes.

"Ni-san!" "I'm not your brother anymore!" he yelled, and gave a full blow across her cheek. She dropped the paper and placed her hands on her cheek at instinct. Passerbys slowed down to look, but quickly hurried away at the sight of the boy's madness. The girl picked herself up, slowly and unnaturally, but when she saw his face and eyes again, her smile resumed. "It's ok...." she said as she smiled tearfully. "I just.... I just wanted to share with.. with you.... the joy i feel.. that i feel.... I.... sorry.." she gave a small polite nod to him. The boy was breathing fast and heavily, as he felt the blood rushing to his head. The very person he would last want to see on earth appeared in front of him again like a shadow that will never go away. He searched for the peripheral of her face; he could not bear to look her in the eye.

She picked up the paper and smiled at him, wiping the tears away with one hand. "Just wanted to see you...."

"Well i don't."

She smiled and, without a word, she walked towards the empty street where the traffic was gone, greenlight meant nothing, and she reached the middle, a silver sportscar raced from the right hand side and smashed her into pieces. The car's brake screamed across the street and pieces of paper fell onto the ground from the air.

The boy looked from across the road. His face remained unchanged.

A small flame inside his heart finally diminished, now and forever. 

How do you know I have changed?

Did someone tell you what i realy think?
Did you know it yourself?
Did someone tell you on purpose?

But that is not important....

I don't know how to handle this.

I do complicate things for myself. I thought I'd never see you again because we cannot untangle or explain or do anything about feelings, and for you, for anyone the best thing is pretend we never met;

I thought I'd never see you again because you finally realized I'm the one that was wrong.

I thought I'd never see you again because it's a prominent promise you made to her.

I thought I'd never see you again because i deserve it.

And i still do.

Of course there are stil questions i keep asking myself. Is it worth it to lose a friend like this? Is it worth it to lose a Brother like this? Is it worth it to risk hurting my loved ones?

You're always the logical one.... but everyone makes mistakes sometimes. 

Maybe this is the real last time i will see you.

Who knows.... 

Only by death

that there is the slightest possibility of having you to look at me one last time.

Only by death

Only by death

To break two hearts

To make it complete

To pick up the rubbish that has been floating on the night street

Only by death

To clean up the accidental mess i made

Too carelessly

You are no longer my anyone

Because to prove to her that you do love her,

the best thing to do is never to see me again.

That is true.

But only by death...... 

When i sit alone at night by myself, thinking calmly, with music barely audible in the background

I think of you

I find it impossible not to think of you

my Brother

Gone like smoke....

Are you happy?

I just want to know, regardless of everything

If you're happy now

Deliberately avoiding me

Of course there are times when i feel like crying

But no tears would even come out

Too much fear of annoyance has numbed me

But its impossible not to think of you

Sometimes when its very very quiet here....

No explanations

Im still stuck in a spiderweb

Full of silly questions like why is my Brother gone?

Why has he left and not coming back?

Yes, my childish wonders for a brother....

Long gone......

Inevitably, Henry, I tell you

It hurts.

These words you will never see, never hear, never know the existence of

They glow faintly in the dark

Almost extinguished, slowly breathing

Maybe one day i will still destroy myself

For not being good enough

Not grown-up enough, not understanding enough, not mature enough, not honest enough,

Not decent enough to you in overall

Perhaps you are the Someone I took for granted

The Brother that I desired for so long

Gone, because of my doings....

I never came to terms with myself.... 

In the end, i have no one to blame but myself.

This negativism, this empty sadness, this deserving pain....

I remember when you stopped me from crossing the road even when you didn't believe me...... 

Sometimes i still think of you.

I can't help it.

Everything ends so abruptly. I try to understand and catch it, after all, i have too much to realize and grow from.... but i guess this is what you call growing pain.

Everytime i hear a song, it brings back all the memories - like the movies - in colourful flashbacks

I don't hide anything except my feelings.

An accident too artificial, A story too realistic, A mistake too complicated to untangle

Jade told me, it's not anyone's fault, because WE ARE ALL HUMANS AFTER ALL -

Yeah

Humans are dumb. 

Sometimes it hurts too freakin' damn much, not because of anything wrong, but the competition, friction, silent parallels lines going at 200k/h across each other's shoulders that makes it hurt. It's not anyone's fault.

H had warned me this coming, I didn't believe it. But now i start to taste little bits of it.

It doesn't happen often, but when it does happen it's like a pain sharper than anything that stabs directly into the heart, carelessly and mindlessly. No, no one can be capable of being aware of it.

I know there are two different kinds of relationships. The Opposite ones and the Parallel ones. I'm the Parallel.

Have tasted the Opposite as well. Both bittersweet.

But I'm still experimenting, painfully.

It will always hurt when you see your loved ones get hurt,

but sometimes it hurts more when your loved ones hurt you. 

Someone would have to sacrafice in this.
If she's the angel then what am I?
The Eve that failed.
The Eve that got lured and failed.

The devil believes the angel will bring him happiness
But how can the devil ever be good?
How can the devil belong to the good?
I don't know what Eve is
She just failed
That's it.
Angel don't like Eve
Eve still adores the angel

I wonder what the Devil will do in all this

But one thing no one can change is
Someone would have to sacrifice.
And in reality, it's Eve.

Oh my god.

I just don't get how the good can exist with the bad.
How can the devil and angel like each other?
It's not Opposite, it's contradicting.
If the angel is good why does she like the bad?
If the devil is bad why does he like the good?

Eve failed already so she could naturally belong with the Devil
but it's only in the story and the myth.
Something is truly intriguing
but
There's nothing i can do now.

The Devil's got my back.
That's all I need now.
That'a all I need to know.

You love me

You love me as a brother
You love me as I'm a sister

Do you have any idea
How long i've been waiting for this to happen?

like a miracle  it did
I'm not sure if you're ready
to take the burden of being my brother
as being the special person

A brother to me
is more special than a brother to anyone else

I know you love me, treasure me, cherish me, very much -

Like what happened in the cold night
under the haunting streetlights
You held me and wouldn't let me go
The tighter you held me
The safer i felt, the better i felt

The more sure i know you owe me
The more i know you know that
The more i know you want to take care of me
The more i know there is someone that will care for me..

Thank you
Thank God.