Strangers

I promised not to disturb him.

Maybe even my prescence has become a hazard now. I didn't realize the r'ship has been going downhills until like a minute ago. Maybe it's just me.

Federick came visit last night, but i still didn't sleep well due to the bloody allergy.

I'm suppose to go see the doctor today. Perhaps i will. 

I look into the pass and see the events surface one by one

There are certain sides of me that surface only when im with this one, very important things.

But to think any other ways,

all the what ifs, if this if that

That's just immature....

at least there is only space and time between us now.

Something you cannot touch, cannot catch, but it's there, space and time

Like what they say, the digital future....

It's about time i stop struggling.

It's about time i learn to stay in the glasshouse.

"Why find the so-called Heaven?
Because of you
I don't want to drift no more

It doesn't matter if I have nothing

To have you in my heart is already....
Heaven."

x x x x x x

Someone has always told me that being in a relationship is a waste of time. Because in the end it's only a series of untangible events and you get nothing out of it.

That's not true.... like many other things I've been told to believe....

Through this, and another night.. you told me everything is finally exposed. You sounded worried, scared, frightened. I thought, why should i talk to someone who didn't want to talk to me? I thought i had figured the truth out -

it turned out, i think, that i was thinking too many steps ahead.

Or maybe not. But this, i never thought anything could be hidden. I never thought it could be hidden.

Being morally good is important. Maybe it's the gist of life to some.

But we live in a contexted world. To deal with things outside ourselves, we cannot be innocent.

To deal with things within our minds, it's best to be as honest as possible.. don't fool yourself....

(Btw, it's five a.m. and a police car is chasing another at what sounds like 110k/h. I woke Chris up twice typing the remaining bibliography of the two essays due tomorrow. Shouldn't have left the light on....)

Well, if i really don't care anymore, why the heck am i typing these?

Because there are things that cannot be denied. A Brother and a boyfriend - I've stated the importance, in that order. They say you will find a better Bro. Maybe, maybe not, how the fuck would i know?

Thing is, I am still searching. Boyfriends cannot be everything, just like girlfriends cannot be everything to you.

No, life isn't that simple. Prepare for the worst. Life is uncertain, cruel, unpredictable, unfair. And uncomprehensable to some. But for now all i know is this: I am grateful for what I've learnt through pain, and glad that my attitude has guided me through all this quite calmly. 

Found my freaking journal today, thought i lost it in the Large Chem lecture room

actually that wouldn't be funny at all because it's personal privacy invasions that are mindless.

Went to Sylvia Park today, more consumption, more Marxist idea channeling into my head whenever i see people sell things. Meh.

Saw dino again today walking 4 hours to uni and then found out all his classes were cancelled, esp. the porno one from women's studies lol. Shame. So he spraned his ankle lol. Okay who cares, except the apple pie. People should share their lunches :p it reduces poverty and starvation.

By the way, smoking really causes poverty. I saw eugene (this russian guy) this morning and he didn't seem to believe me. You know why? Coz the more you smoke, those farmers who need money will plant tabacco instead of grains and rice and those shit that actually FEED people. This is a real statement from Laszlo, head of the Budapest Club, futurist.

I don't smoke. 

My loving brother is still lovin i believe. Im sorry.

 x x x x x x

Instead of studying for 4 hours i ate for 2 hours and slept for 20min. The rest sort of disappeared.

Citizen Kane is a scary movie. A good movie. Orsen Welles is a child prodigy, no shit.

Amalie is funny. But the extra features had smin like the directors and producers watching a woman c**. And they were like "Ohhh man......"  

1. World City: few centers are in control of the globalizing economy.

2. Dual City: an (increasing) social polarization, gap between rich and poor, nations, powerful and powerless, ethnics, religions and gender.

3. Hybrid City: Unique in both material and cognitive life. Downfall of conventional communities and rise of new cultural categories, esp. cultural hybrids ie. American Chinese

4. Cybercity: Challenging the information age and the capacity of connectivity to compensate the constraints of space.

I want to be a futurist.

Have or Not have.

With both we are the same, but with either we are different.

I'm scared.

Scared of losing things. Losing people. Losing control. Losing myself.

Losing all that I know. Losing all that I will never know.

Losing everything.

What's the last thing? I used to know but now I don't.

Tell me.

It is being double-faced that scares me, that makes me tird.
That made me choose. One or the other. You can't have both.

Some people are consistent in every situation - and their public and private side are almost identical.

But others
aren't.

I'm not.

I know I'm not. I was trying to change it to the More Consistent.
But then now it only gets further and further away, the two sides. I can't be the same in public and private. I would, but I can't.

Not even to mention loneliness, we don't get to talk bout that.

We. Have. To. Meet. People. The. Hard. Way.

Maybe we're suppose to forget pain and move on etc.
Maybe. Perhaps. I don't know for sure.
(Or what the hell is it with all those "In Honour Of...." sht?)

I miss who i was before. I was in so mcuh pain but i was so desperate, so strong, so hopeful, for Federick and Lucifer. I didn't give in, give up, I negotiated, it was even a fucking peaceful way. Negotiate.
I put so mch in the hands of God/Lucifer.
I was so clear about what i wished for.

And now I am what? A whimp trying to get over someone else's boyfriend.
I didn't fail anyone else, no one but myself.
What the fuck happened?
Why, after each trial in life that are suppose to make me stronger, i become weaker?!

Lucifer is still unmoved.

- The Lover -

You're beautiful. I desired you the moment i first saw you. You've got wonderful eyes. Never before have I felt so loved in love. You're beautiful. I love it when you come. I want you. You've got lovely breasts. I love you. I've had a row with my wife. That dress really suits you. You're beautiful. I'm thinking of leaving my wife. You're book's wonderful, I adore what you write about love, were you thinking about me? I dreamed of you all last night. It's no good with my wife anymore, in fact it never has been any good. I want to take you in my arms. I'll be expecting you at five. My wife's jealous. Your husband's looking suspicious. I couldn't make it, my wife suspects something, doesn't your husband? I don't know if i can. You're really beautiful. I don't love you enough to wreck everything. My wife's depressed. Is that a new perfume? I love your mouth, I adore your mouth. My wife keeps asking me questions. I can't, next week maybe. What did you do last weekend? You're looking down. What's up? You've got wonderful eyes. You make me come - I can't stop thinking about you. This will have to stop, it's utterly impossible, your husband's going to murder us, he's completely nuts. We're being foolhardy, this isn't reasonable, it just isn't possible. Let me think, listen to me, understand me, I mean you do agree that he's crazy. You should leave him. Come into my arms. No, not tomorrow, i'm taking my wife to the beach. It's true, I do feel great with you, but we should stop seeing each other for a while. It was you who picked me up. I never promised you a thing. It's impossble. I don't feel like it. Not now. No, not tomorrow. Look, this must stop. It's over, it isn't easy for me to say it, but it's better this way. It's over. I never really loved you, I just fancied you, which isn't the same thing at all. I don't love you, stop, that's enough, I want us to stop, it disgusts me, I'm going. I want to see you again, I've ben thinking about you these past two months, I want you, I want us to make love again, I can get the keys to a flat on Thursday, I know you love me, I love you, you know that I've always loved you, I've loved you from the moment I first saw you, even before I got your letter, I dream of you every night, tell me you love me, you're beautiful, you've got lovely eyes, you've got lovely breasts, my wife's gone to France for three weeks, you're looking down, what's up? Come into my arms.

-Camille Laurens, "In His Arms"

Saw this story yesterday called the Voice of the Distant Star - a new anime, im not sure how popular it is at the moment but basically -

It's about the year 2046, where humans have learnt to interact with other planets (ie. Mars) and there were these two college kids who were in love with each other but the girl has to go on a meeting mission thing, so they have to be separated. And the only way they can communicate is by sending txt messages (yea thru cellphones.) But their distance from earth gets longer and longer and until one txt message need to take 1 year and more to send.

So they either have to wait for each others txt or...... goes the story.