Strangers

You know, ordering songs like this, it's like trying to fit the whole life of this year into one cd disk.

It sounds ridiculous, but its jus unbelievable how music works on us.

I can't help but think about it....

You said, this year has just been like a tv story. I can't deny. It's magic, even if it's cursed. 

I hated myself, regretting forever that i didn't go to the tansa bbq that March. If i had, i would have met you.

But then, when we were together, it's as if we wished it would be all the better if we had never met. Yea, like some "fate" are cursed.

It doesn't matter now. All has happened. That's how im able to be writing now.

There are a few songs in this cd.... that i felt fits the story like as if they were written for them.

Coral Sea.. Only Want to Hold You.. Heaven.. & Long Long Ago.... 

Perhaps im over-reacting. Like i always do. But perhaps, you are the only one that can ever understand the mission of my life is to.. finish that novel.. maybe make that film.. and my life is completed. I don't remember if you had agreed at all, but it don't matter because i've said it to you, and you are what matters to me the most. 

Slap me.. Hit me.. Kick me out.. Break me.. i will say this with no shame....
"You are what matters to me the most."

In the past, now and forever. 

****

Two posts a day, meaning there is more than importance. It's memorable.

Making that cd was hard.. i've been sitting here for over 2 hours, trying to get the "F.U." i dunno what that stands for, but it means some kind of intuitive feeling that guides you. All artists need it, let alone novelists. No, im not one yet. But i will be, i hope *smile* When i write the new chapter, perhaps i need to twist the ending a bit, because of you and chris. Please don't ask which is the dominant. There is none. But there is hierachy. I didn't lie to you in that email.

We grow, we all grow.... like trees.... like rivers.... whatever.

I'm happy now. I think you need to know that. I'm very happy (Especially after that saturday) Shh. No one needs to know. This is the biggest leap i've made since my teenage life. During college i learnt about the meaning of life. During univ (jus first year..) i learnt about love. Brotherly love, Romantic love and Family love. Love is present in too many forms.

Love can be like a tornado.... sigh, yet another song title.

Exams are over now. Are you looking forward to second year? Maybe a little afraid, maybe a little hopeful? That's how i feel anyway. Don't quite know what to expect, or how to act.  Just do my best, that's all i tell myself. Don't try to control the storyline of life. Life is a story. Stories are life-like. That's why we have emotions.

Ok, enuf bullshitting.. good shit, bad shit.... *sticks tongue out*

*Little Smile* 

"Why find the so-called Heaven?
Because of you
I don't want to drift no more

It doesn't matter if I have nothing

To have you in my heart is already....
Heaven."

x x x x x x

Someone has always told me that being in a relationship is a waste of time. Because in the end it's only a series of untangible events and you get nothing out of it.

That's not true.... like many other things I've been told to believe....

Through this, and another night.. you told me everything is finally exposed. You sounded worried, scared, frightened. I thought, why should i talk to someone who didn't want to talk to me? I thought i had figured the truth out -

it turned out, i think, that i was thinking too many steps ahead.

Or maybe not. But this, i never thought anything could be hidden. I never thought it could be hidden.

Being morally good is important. Maybe it's the gist of life to some.

But we live in a contexted world. To deal with things outside ourselves, we cannot be innocent.

To deal with things within our minds, it's best to be as honest as possible.. don't fool yourself....

(Btw, it's five a.m. and a police car is chasing another at what sounds like 110k/h. I woke Chris up twice typing the remaining bibliography of the two essays due tomorrow. Shouldn't have left the light on....)

Well, if i really don't care anymore, why the heck am i typing these?

Because there are things that cannot be denied. A Brother and a boyfriend - I've stated the importance, in that order. They say you will find a better Bro. Maybe, maybe not, how the fuck would i know?

Thing is, I am still searching. Boyfriends cannot be everything, just like girlfriends cannot be everything to you.

No, life isn't that simple. Prepare for the worst. Life is uncertain, cruel, unpredictable, unfair. And uncomprehensable to some. But for now all i know is this: I am grateful for what I've learnt through pain, and glad that my attitude has guided me through all this quite calmly. 

Havent kept track of the previous ones but now it's all very clear.

Version 11 was too unstable
Version 12 is awesome but could be active.

Ria Ver 9.3 - Uni adaptor
Ria Ver 9.4 - Trio of Uni, F&R, Family
Ria Ver 9.5 - /Unconscious/
Ria Ver 9.5.2 - Heart of a Dinosaur
Ria Ver 10 - Replicate: Psychological Experimentor
Ria Ver 10.1 - (Female) Statue of Freedom
Ria Ver 11 - Fate In Reality #2 - The Brother
Ria Ver 12 -  (Not Telling)

Major improvements:

1. Feminist
2. Shift back towards Novelist works
3. Psychology experiment on certain people, and worked.

Ria Version 10.01 activated one week ago (July 2nd '06)

******

Comments: I love this bloody Version 10.. its like f*ck all the bloody guys out there who think they are who they think they are wen they ant half the sh*t they say they are. And the best Novelists definitely consist of the gay men demographic. They have the flow straight guys and women dont have.

Don't look at me like that.

I've been having heavy bias of racism recently and it even does not feel like myself.

(forget bout grammar. Please.)

I'm not sure whether the origin of this hatred is from explicit/implicit memory (i think both atm) or even if they are from experience. Im quite sure it is from all of them, followed by one another.

I hate racism myself. But a Taiwanese hating the Chinanese - wat do u call that? Bias, i think.

I think, i think, i think.... i hate that sometimes.

 But

There must have been reasons. From the home, the society and the world i live in. I dont usually "remember" that i hate the chinese until i see one of them. But i know i can't stereotype. I have chinese friends, for god's sake.

But yet to the strangers.... i just dont trust Chinese ones. Im sorry.

Not that I want to belong to somewhere, but im just curious where I'd belong if some Worldly Lord has allocated me.

I dunno if everyone does this, but seeing evidently how you're changing over time, days by days, is rather satisfying as a means of living.

I notice my change in speech.
I notice my change in interaction.
I notice my change in thinking.
I notice my change in dreams.

And all of these are in my conscious, not subconscious.
Only too evident I wonder in which way I would manipulate myself, as if I'm both the A.I. Robot and its master.

Experimenting on myself. Not so uncommon, after all.

I can always be original.

I feel sorry for those who cannot. Like those girls.

Ria can adapt, transform, change, think and ultimately BE when she meets somebody new.

She finds that within one week of interacting with that new person, she can subconsciously or unconsciously - depending on the situation - adapt the way that the person thinks, talks and acts.. Fortunately it is something that she is conscious of. Otherwise, there will be no Ria now, but only a psychological clone of someone, somewhere in the world.

Affection.

Affect; verb: To have an effect upon
Effect; noun: Consequence (over-simplified here, i know)

Affection?

That's a whole other different thing. Affection, as in PDA (Public Display of Affection), is one thing that makes us human, and therefore One thing that makes Ria. Affection is about 20% of Ria in many different aspects. Examples are, affection towards family/belonging, affection towards another human being, affection towards males/females, affection towards humankind - the last is Ria's favourite, and the rest perhaps troublesome.

Wat else. I'm like blogging now.

A more important fact is that I think I might have returned to who I had been in college - one who is very interested and devoted to art, films, novels and poetry. Although life for Ria in university now is a dry, horrible and painstaking mess of family crisis, friends and relationship problems and social convention arguements, Ria is able to look into the world of artful and beautiful films once again, and even indulge and sink herself in that world to be temporarily and consistently pulled out of the War of psychological draught. (WOPD)
It is vital and lethal for Ria to return to the world of novels and art, where her mind could very possibly flourish once again, be content and happy, far away from the cruel and dark world she has been staying in.
Time is a factor that passes quietly and thank god, smoothfully enough that Ria does not have to worry about. She knows that if the Novelist's world returns once again, she can stand on herself without any need of desire or socialiability to fulfil the hole in her mind. She is able to fight anything that comes in her way, and smile for real for once.

Massive
Change
In
Ria. Who may not be Ria anymore.

Parents want me to be good.
Yet i feel
Im not brought up by them

Because I brought myself up WITH THE WORLD
With a world that my parents do not see and will not see
(No it's not their fault)

--

The change that Ria is about to make
Is horrible
Is mocking
Is contradicting
Is neccesary
And damaging.. For the time being.

But for my parents....

Ria Version 9.3 running.

This is gon be a lot of mess.

Version 9.1, 9.2 and 9.3 have been about honesty, transparent communication and honesty with feelings.

My favourite (and the one that il go back to one day) is Ver 4.2 - 4.5. That was the best ever.... with no fear ahead, and hopes every second. Those are the only versions that i can write the novel with anyway.. now 9.3 has been invented.. which is quite unnecessary compared to Version 4s. I dont even know what sides of me are growing in 9.3.