Strangers

It's really about time i quit gaming.

Gaia is not addictive but simply too busy.  

Five days til my exam (just because it is so bloody close; Nov 1st, 2nd and 3rd) and i ain't even really starting to sweat yet. Not that i don't feel prepared, but something's wrong with the picture. Even kids who smoke are alarmed.

I think i gotta lie to myself that this exam prep content is interesting.

Man. This is teenage habituation?

Babies only "review" things if they are dehabituated. Not fair. 

There are times when we hurt each other we don't know....

There are times when we see through everything

There are times we doubt, all night we doubt,

about subjectivity and objectivity and the mysteries of humans

"Love is a very strong word, Ria. Are you sure you want to throw it around like that?"

Someone once told me this; even though he is dead now these words had not faded away.

There are no promises;

There are no finity;

There is only time that pass every second

For now

"They're both convinced
that a sudden passion joined them.
Such certainty is beautiful,
but uncertainty is more beautiful still...."

Learning to be dependent from those special people I meet in life.

Can't rely on them all the time.
I need a break, too.
So do they.

I don't want to be their burden.

I need to go home once in a while.
The place I was made - St Cass or wherever.
(The Home, not the family)

I'm trying and coping and adapting and suffering and struggling and learning.

It's gettin' painful.

Identity of a person can co-exist both relatively and in the absolute.

The question is when to be one or the other, and after the consequences, which one to choose next time.

I envy those with simple minds.

It's sad how i have to pre-occupy myself with some other (humane) distractions in order to prevent the feeling of loss with one human. It is as if im not treating people like they're people - but like they're really just subjects of a huge life experiment.

The thing is I never wanted to do that, and hopefully i never did it without knowing.

For Those*: Life is like a game of Mafia. You have to deceive one another in order to survive. And recently im made to believe it is equally true for both sexes. 

- The Lover -

You're beautiful. I desired you the moment i first saw you. You've got wonderful eyes. Never before have I felt so loved in love. You're beautiful. I love it when you come. I want you. You've got lovely breasts. I love you. I've had a row with my wife. That dress really suits you. You're beautiful. I'm thinking of leaving my wife. You're book's wonderful, I adore what you write about love, were you thinking about me? I dreamed of you all last night. It's no good with my wife anymore, in fact it never has been any good. I want to take you in my arms. I'll be expecting you at five. My wife's jealous. Your husband's looking suspicious. I couldn't make it, my wife suspects something, doesn't your husband? I don't know if i can. You're really beautiful. I don't love you enough to wreck everything. My wife's depressed. Is that a new perfume? I love your mouth, I adore your mouth. My wife keeps asking me questions. I can't, next week maybe. What did you do last weekend? You're looking down. What's up? You've got wonderful eyes. You make me come - I can't stop thinking about you. This will have to stop, it's utterly impossible, your husband's going to murder us, he's completely nuts. We're being foolhardy, this isn't reasonable, it just isn't possible. Let me think, listen to me, understand me, I mean you do agree that he's crazy. You should leave him. Come into my arms. No, not tomorrow, i'm taking my wife to the beach. It's true, I do feel great with you, but we should stop seeing each other for a while. It was you who picked me up. I never promised you a thing. It's impossble. I don't feel like it. Not now. No, not tomorrow. Look, this must stop. It's over, it isn't easy for me to say it, but it's better this way. It's over. I never really loved you, I just fancied you, which isn't the same thing at all. I don't love you, stop, that's enough, I want us to stop, it disgusts me, I'm going. I want to see you again, I've ben thinking about you these past two months, I want you, I want us to make love again, I can get the keys to a flat on Thursday, I know you love me, I love you, you know that I've always loved you, I've loved you from the moment I first saw you, even before I got your letter, I dream of you every night, tell me you love me, you're beautiful, you've got lovely eyes, you've got lovely breasts, my wife's gone to France for three weeks, you're looking down, what's up? Come into my arms.

-Camille Laurens, "In His Arms"

There are some things in this world that are better left unknown.

But when truth is one of the rare things that worth speaking of,
when truth NEED to be spoken,
when truth should be the only thing we speak

It is hard to lie, to hide, to conceal.

For sanity's sake, it could be better to NOT speak of some things. So that people won't get hurt, and so history could be altered - for the better. I dunno whether i should buy that. I dunno if ther's an absolute answer.

Saw angels on Saturday.

----

Then have been quiet for Sunday. Day of CLeaNsinG.. as they call it.

I've been thinking horizontally for most of my life. Not vertical, not logical like scientific. But literal, artistic.
Yet i did not exploit it.... only if i had known earlier....

I have been quiet for the Sunday.
Silence is an essential element of human Thought.
But even if i tried i couldn't possibly carry out the task of Condensing and Refining my choice of words.
I used to be able to.
Nostalgia.

****

Can hardly see straight. Just feel like something has been stripped off my skin.
So instead of pondering what the cause was, i tried out downloading different music and expect a match-hit. Found Feeders. They're ok. I just want to get back to London.

Today I thought about why I get depressed.

It's because I haven't been able to build my own micro-world.
Every child has a micro-world. So does every teenager, every young adult.
(Adults are a different story)
Some things in life have stopped me from finish building my own world, and i'm left with broken walls that are half built,
and so that's why some people can see into the place easier compared to others.
Of course, it is with my own consent.
Each kid that i know (kid= young adult who go to univ here) have their own micro-world; 99% of them have completed it,
the difference is just whether or not they are mature and to what extent.
I have only built half of mine.
And some things that prohibit me from continue to finish is are what make me depressed.


Everyone is a little depressed.
I think I ain't that far out.


There are a few places where my world cannot exist without.
Bookshops, Cinema, Airport and Gardens.
Bookshops are where, to me, time is frozen and the history can be seen as a whole.
As a huge line passing in front of your eyes, or formulated in your brain.
Cinemas are the "reduction of the lived world to sheer stylistic form," and where ideas are turned real; the impossible into reality.
Airports are where the mind flows across the world I've never seen, mixed with the places i've been.
Airports are where my schemas of most of everything is formed.
Gardens. My birthplace is a garden, my mind is a garden, my afterlife is a garden.
Heaven is a garden, Hell is a garden.


Enuf said.

"Why do humans have to be so smart? Wouldn't it be better if we're all just dumb?"

Nice one; but what keeps us from wanting to be smart? To say competition.... i reckon most of the time it's jus wanting to make sure we know enuf bout ourselves not to feel lost. Either semantics or experiencial.

My pov (point of view.) That's all, nothing more, nothing less.

****

I'm not very sure bout the purpose of this post but i can tell you that I talked to 4 people on the phone today (at separate times.) I ahven't talked on the TELEPHONE for a long time. Since three years ago hardly anyone would ever call me for anything other than meetings. But today it happened anyway, 4 people, it's coincidence so not enuf to make me feel self-consciously special, sorry, but nevertheless i appreciated it :)

Shud i make a description?

In the morning my brother cald, no, wer not blood-related, jus spiritually related thank you. He called to ask for help on exams content. Fair enuf. Considering Psychology ain't his major *jks. That felt good, somebody calling you in the morning, and nobody complained :)

And then in the late evening Cristine cald to negotiate the prices for our skip trip in July, and that caused me to contact the organizer Davey who cald back on his cellphone in return. Then i had to call Cristine back. Her problem seems to be unresolved. I was the mediator.

And lastly at 8:31pm i talked to A for an hour to complain bout the G-Gap (yes again). Ah wel. Life is life.

I woke today knowing I should be wearing a white robe. The type you would see in asylums - the type you would see nuns wearing in churches.

I felt my eyes opened - but i wasn't in bed. I felt as if my mind was either somewhere else, or i was watching my own body move - and i was not attached to the body....


I stirred. I looked around me and did not have the strength to get up.. workloads waiting to be completed were already flowing through my head the moment i saw the clock. There was enough light in the room, even though it has been cloudy from the beginning.

I knew I was different.

And I had not felt like that before at all.

Then music flowed into my head - American Beauty, the piano - just like that, by itself, as i did not demand it. I wondered what happened to me overnight - was some structure in my brain that had changed? Or are all my schemas different? Or did some influence and pressure simply bent me into this figure, somewhere between an asylum patient and a Sister in church?

Im still not snapped out of it after four hours. Something is different about the new Ria Version.